I had a minor epiphany this evening which, as I follow up on it, is making me realize some things. A good friend of my wife and mine–one of my favorite people, actually–usually comes over on Sunday nights to catch up on a favorite TV show, or just to talk for a while. She usually brings over some delicious snacks, and tonight was no exception. However, unlike on most previous Sunday nights, tonight I was unable to eat the snacks.
I found I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I felt at loose ends, as if there was suddenly a lot of time to fill, and I realized…I spent a good fraction of those evenings standing by the snack bowl, enjoying the delicious munchies. And now I couldn’t, and I didn’t know what else to do.
It got me to thinking, and I started to realize how huge a role food, and planning around food, has had in my life. Much of that is good and appropriate; eating together is part of how we live together, maybe one of the biggest parts. But food was also often a part of my errands and outings, often in very unhealthful ways. If I had a mid-day errand run, I’d also be thinking about how I could have a burger while I was out. I would come up with reasons why I’d need to go do something just so I could sit and read a bit while I had some buffalo pizza sticks. And a stop at 7-11 was virtually always part of leaving the house, if I was alone. Those moments were wonderfully pleasant–honestly, a source of joy. And they were undoubtedly a big part of how I got to be 300 pounds, and a drain on money we couldn’t really afford.
I’m not quite sure what to do with this. The rational part of my mind knows that I need to find something else which will fill the same place–something which will provide joy, but without the dire health and financial costs. But part of the problem is that the food was one of my only sensual joys. I’m not a very sensual person, in general; I live most of the time in a very rational headspace. I think those moments might have been one of my only places where I really engaged with a pleasure which was almost entirely sensual. I’m not sure how to fill that, but I’ll need to find something. This is a good change, I am confident of that–but it’s an interesting challenge.